Wynonna Earp recap 2.09: “Forever Mine Nevermind” or, a clusterf*ck of monumental proportions

Welp.

I…um. Andras said this episode was going to be basically out of control and she never fails to come through in that regard.

Every episode ratchets up the cray, both with creepiness and internal drama and now we are hurtling toward the end of the season and things are so beyond control right now that I don’t even know how a Season 3 is going to top this. But it’s Andras, and she has an amazing cast, crew, and writing team so there’s that.

Right now, I’m still processing everything that happened in last night’s episode. Everybody on the Twitterz last night was flipping out during the live-Tweeting, and if you watched it live during that, you know whereof I speak.

Let’s get to this.

And, as always…SPOILERS OMG SO MANY SPOILERS STOP RIGHT NOW AND LEAVE IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE EPISODE AND YOU PLAN ON DOING SO RUN AWAY RIGHT NOW JUST RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

Last week, we lost Juan Carlo but Wynonna also did the vision quest that revealed to her many things, including Bobo’s origins, where the third seal is, and who the seals are entrapping. Also, Waverly finds out that she’s not an Earp and may in fact be Bobo’s daughter. THE CRAY KEEPS CRAY-ING!

Okay. Things to ponder that came out of this latest episode for me.

1. Who is the demon at the store Doc went to for that damn painting? He’s somehow in on this, because that painting was full of bad magic and was clearly used to spy/get the third seal.
2. Who is the person Tucker killed to fake everybody out that he was dead? And also, the bracelet on the body’s wrist was Tucker’s, but Gooverly stole it. So how did Tucker get it back?
3. There’s a rift between Widow Mercedes and Widow Beth, now. And one of the originals (either Beth or Mercedes) has already died, as Dolls discovers in a horrifying sort of situation. How will this rift unfold as they each work to free Clootie?
4. Wynonna’s plan is to free Clootie so she can shoot him, but in doing so, she has to break the third seal (Doc’s ring), which means Doc is no longer immortal. That’s a hefty price.
5. Rosita’s big reveal — that she’s Rosie the Revenant — leaves all kinds of questions. It seems she was caught up in Wyatt’s curse, but it doesn’t seem she was one who was deliberately put down by Earp. We’ll probably find out more of her backstory in future episodes. So yeah, Doc’s been hitting it with a Rev (I’m thinking he may know, actually, what with all those hints about protecting her…) and, as we see in last night’s episode, Waves got a little taste, too.
6. Speaking of, Waves had a moment of emotional weakness/drinking and planted one on Rosita. To their credit, both were like, OMG WTF and Rosita is trying to ensure that Waves and Nicole remain a thing. She’s really encouraging her in that regard. WayHaught is really on the rocks, y’all, and I do appreciate some angst in a relationship that is still trying to find its footing in the midst of cray, but I’m not sure this is going to pan out in a way we’d like. I do think that if Waves and Nicole manage to talk this through that Waves needs to come clean on her moment of weakness or she’s a hypocrite.
7. Waves’ big reveal to Rosita had her saying that she thinks she’s half-Revenant, so it seems she is moving toward accepting that Bobo may be her father. Speaking of…
8. Beth hints that Waves has some kind of “special-ness” that we don’t know about yet. So perhaps Waves, too, has some kind of superpower that she hasn’t tapped into yet.
9. In the rift between Mercedes and Beth, Mercedes has lost power. But she does a final “throwing of the rings” to find the third seal and in the final scene of 2.09, ends up at Nicole’s. So what’s the link, here? Why would the magic metal send her to Nicole’s? That’s something we must ponder.
10. And what’s up with Bobo? He’s not in this episode, but we know he’s out there…and also, why exactly did Mercedes’ magic rings pinpoint Nicole’s house??????

And now, let us begin.

The episode opens with…

lordie.

Waverly and Wynonna sparring. I am not making this up. Waves is…um. Here:

Um. You’re welcome.

I…can’t. *ahem* *develops case of the vapors* Lordie. And Wy does a pregnant backflip. It’s…amazing.

Okay. All right. So Waves and Wy are sparring and Dolls is coaching because the widows are basically bad-asses and will stop at nothing. Waves comments that she’s still thinking about the fact that Constance is a sister-wife (so it was poly, this relationship with Clootie!) and omg laughing: “Her outfits were so fiercely non-polygamous.” omg I can’t…laughing… So anyway, Waves brings up that they need to find the third seal (WHICH WYNONNA ALREADY KNOWS BUT SHE’S KEEPING IT ON THE DL). Wy also asks Dolls for the night off, and tells Waves she needs the house, too and Waves is all, “more nesting? I think we’ve reached maximum capacity in the decorative pillow department…” omg I love this dialogue. So Dolls agrees to the night off and they go back to sparring.

Next scene opens with a cameo by Beau Smith, the Wynonna Earp comics writer! He’s in an antiques shop looking at an antique doll (FORESHADOWING). Doc comes in and he and Beau pass each other, giving each other a look. That must’ve been funny during filming. Anyway, Doc has a fresh cut on his right cheek, which is kind of weird. Did he cut himself shaving? Why didn’t he make sure that was okay? Anyway, he goes to the proprietor and notes that the sign on the shop advertises libations and antiques and Doc wants a whiskey.

What is this strange hybrid whiskey/antique shop? And can I get one?

The proprietor pours Doc a whiskey and notices Doc’s ring and makes a comment about it and wonders if Doc would be willing to sell it. Doc is all, NO. So the proprietor then offers a painting to him, if he’s looking for a gift. Have a look at this, guys:

A little girl and what kind of looks like the Earpstead. AND NOTE THE DOLL. Doc falls for it immediately and tells the proprietor to wrap it up and he’ll come back for it. But already we all know that something is hinky with this proprietor since he asked after Doc’s ring and then suddenly offers up a weird painting instead and even hints at hanging it in a child’s room, perhaps. Yeah. Something’s not right…SURE ENOUGH! Doc leaves and the proprietor leans over to get some paper to wrap the painting up and the body of the REAL proprietor is lying there on the floor with a dagger in his eye. And you guys, the proprietor

HAS A FREAKING DEMON TAIL! And also glowing green eyes, but I was more fascinated with the tail.

Next scene is in the basement of Shorty’s where Rosita is checking Dolls’ vitals cuz, you know, she’s one of his demon juice pushers so she’s helping monitor how that’s going. His temp is still a little high, but otherwise, he’s perfect (duh). And good tip, here. The serum apparently goes bad after eight days. Rosita marks something down in her journal and says “this is the winning formula.” Dolls then gives Rosita a gift card to something called “Forever Eternity” and Rosita is all, “yeah, I know you guys think the apocalypse is nigh and all, but a gift card to a funeral home…?” lol It’s a spa, Dolls says.

So there’s also a spa in Purgatory? Oh, the images…

Dolls is all, grab Doc Holliday and stick him in a hot tub. lol Then he leaves and we go upstairs to the bar part of Shorty’s where Wynonna is being appreciative of the baby shower attempt and she’s sorry she missed it. Rosita asks if she’s going to do the birth natural — meaning drug-free — and Wynonna is all HELL NO basically and Rosita offers to mix her up a drug that’ll make her feel like she’s on a giant swan floatie being fed chocolate by Chris Evans. What is the name of this swan-chocolate-Chris drug, Rosita? And readers, name it. Doc comes down the stairs and Wynonna notices the cut on his face and says he doesn’t have to rock a straight razor but Rosita says he claims he tripped on something at the Salt Flats…and I think we know what…

Doc announces he’s going to dinner at Wynonna’s, which makes Rosita a little insecure. Doc leaves with Wynonna and Rosita clearly appears to be wanting more from Doc than he is willing to give and it’s making me kind of sad even though I’m still not totally trusting her.

We jump to Nedley Central where Jeremy and Dolls are watching cricket with Waves. Jeremy is trying to make Dolls like him, which is kind of cute. Waves is “hangry” but Wynonna emptied out the kitchen there because “big dinner with Doc tonight,” Waves says, which sets Dolls off a little and omg Waves is being salty, y’all. This is just the beginning of the salt, but it’s already shakin’.

And indeed Nicole shows up and says, “a body’s been found” and Waves snaps, “oh, are you sure it wasn’t someone else’s body that you stole and hid because you thought you had the right to make that utterly-not-your decision?”

OH, OUCH. Jeremy is all, “uhhhhhh…”

Nothing like a passive aggressive shot like that in front of your coworkers while you’re fighting with your GF, amirite? Dolls asks if she thinks it’s a BBD case and Nicole says she thinks it’s an everyone case.

So off they go to a mountain where there is, indeed, a body. A really super crispy body that they decide is Tucker because of the bracelet on the wrist.

But…Gooverly last had that bracelet…hmmm…

Back at BBD in Nedley Central Jeremy and Dolls have the body on a table and Beth (who is Not-Beth) is there poking around on it and Jeremy is all, “uhh…don’t touch…” Beth says that Tucker did it to himself, that he had many “dark proclivities,” including fire then she tells a sick story about a cat they had named “Blaze” and how Tucker seemed to have burned it…not sure I buy it, but when it comes to Tucker, I can totally see him doing horrible things to animals. Dolls asks if there’s anyone who would have wanted to hurt Tucker and Beth shoots back, “can you think of anyone who wouldn’t?” SNAP. Beth asks when she can have the body. Not ’til the autopsy. Can she take the personal effects? No, cuz it’s evidence. Then Dolls says that Tucker was associating himself with a couple of women and Beth promptly faints (but we know she’s faking it to avoid questions). They take Beth to the couch in Nedley’s office.

Dang it. I feel now like that couch is forever tainted with Widow-ness.

Waves is standing over her, making sure she’s all right. They’re clasping hands and Beth touches Waves’ hair and says, “you’re so lovely” and I’m so squicked out right now and of course Nicole walks in with water for Beth and Nicole is a big ball of brittle right now and it’s giving me so much angst because UGH WayHaught fighting is SO stressful. And then Beth says creepy things while Nicole is standing there, saying, “you of all people should know why Tucker was drawn to Waverly” and then makes some comment about how “what’s deviant to some is normal to others” and eeew I can’t. Nicole’s expression sums it up.

“srsly?”

The tension between Waves and Nicole is on SUPER HIGH, and Nicole is basically not holding back about how creepy Tucker was (is? hmmm…) while Beth is all, “in his own way, he loved Waverly.” My sense? Beth is TOTALLY manipulating the bad vibes between Nicole and Waverly. She’s trying to drive a bigger wedge between them, is what I’m thinking. Waves tells Nicole to stop saying things to Beth and Beth gets all smarmy and says she’s leaving and Waves being Waves tells her if she needs anything to let her know.

I do want to point out that this scene may have been some foreshadowing of a later scene in which Beth says that Waverly is special. So perhaps in this scene, she’s realizing that and laying down some groundwork for whatever that is…anyway, she leaves.

Which leaves us with another really raw scene between Nicole and Waves. Nicole points out that Tucker was a bad dude and Waves retorts that Tucker is lying on a table in the next room burnt beyond recognition so sometimes lying is a kindness and OH Nicole comes back with, “Yeah. I tried that with you. And look where it got us,” basically and then if Waves had seen what he was doing to Poppy at the Earpstead, wanting it to be Waves, she would think differently and then Waves snaps back that she would never tell Nicole what to think or feel and oh, lord. This is bad, folks. I’m not sure WayHaught will survive this. We’ll have to see.

Cut to the Earpstead where Doc and Wynonna are going to have their dinner party of two and Doc is all proud to show Wynonna the painting. EXCEPT. It’s different. It’s dark and gloomy-looking, not at all like it was in the shop. Even Doc comments on that. It looks really creepy. So keep that in mind. And dinner, you guys, demonstrates that Wynonna basically sucks at cooking. It’s a mac n’ cheese sort of thing that Doc is trying to appreciate, but…

“mmm mmmm… *not really*

Anyway, they sit down at the table to chit-chat and Doc tells Wynonna that he found Constance decapitated and Wynonna asks if he did it and he’s all, why would he do that since he’d be dead, too, because of “mutual shared destruction.” Wynonna wonders who did it and then Doc breaks the moment by picking up a baby rattle off the table and shakes it and says it’s sweet and Wynonna says Waverly got it and then she wonders why she got only one maraca…omg I can’t. Doc points out it’s a rattle. LOLOLOLOLOL Doc is kind of confused because he thought Wy brought him there to talk about the baby. But clearly, Wynonna had other plans about what to talk about and indeed, she says that she knows how he got that cut on his face and says that something demonic attacked him and he asks her how she knows and she says because they’re drawn to the same thing and it’ll keep happening, basically, because Doc is wearing the third seal.

Cut over to Shorty’s where Waves is drinking and super-depressed and Rosita is trying to cheer her up. This scene, you guys, is where I started to worry that Waves was going to do something stupid with Rosita. After all, they’re both kind of smarting with regard to their relationships and they’re both kind of depressed and there’s alcohol. Never a good mix. So this scene, for me, was foreshadowing of a weak moment. Waves says she would really love to get out for one night and Rosita tells Waves to come with her — to the spa.

Nothing good ever comes of fighting with your boo, alcohol, and another hot woman in the same boat.

Back at the Earpstead, OMG THE PAINTING, YOU GUYS.

NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES OF POSSESSED PAINTINGS

There’s someone else in it, now!!!!!!! I think the painting is a way the demon proprietor is going to both spy on Doc and Wy AND try to get the third seal.

And Wynonna is trying to serve Doc Twizzlers. Oh, lordie. I can’t…omg…lolol

So Doc asks Wynonna where the third seal supposedly is and if you listen, in the background, there’s the sound of a cabinet door. SOMETHING IS IN THE HOUSE OMG and I’m betting it’s a creepy doll from the painting or one of those creepy girls…Wynonna tells Doc the seal is his ring and she wants it and he of course won’t give it to her and she says she wants to destroy it to bring Clootie back so she can put him down and end the Earp curse.

Whoa. And Doc is totally not into this plan. Camera cuts to the painting behind him AND THE SECOND GIRL THAT WAS IN IT IS NOW GONE, YOU GUYS…and the house in the background…is it just me or is it starting to look more like the Earpstead?

Now we jump over to the spa, which is in the mountains and it’s all nouveau rustic lodge-looking. And Rosita and Waves are hanging out in a hot tub, y’all. Drinking infused waters and champagne.

This is probably not a good idea. Sadz + alcohol + bikinis = recipe for potential disaster

Yeah. Nothing good can come of this, given the current relationship statuses of both. I felt like I was totally watching a train wreck in slow motion this whole scene. Anyway, Waves says it feels weird to her, that she’s at a spa while all kinds of horrible things are going on. Rosita tells her to keep calm and drink champagne — to take care of herself for once.

And then we get a different camera angle and creepy music and it appears someone is watching them…uh-oh…

Back at the Earpstead we are now getting tension between Doc and Wynonna. Doc accuses Wynonna of being glib with his life, since the ring is the key to his immortality and Wy responds that it’s the key to his agelessness, that he’s technically not immortal. Doc tells her that her plan is nuts, basically, and breaking the seal requires devilry that she doesn’t have. She wants the curse ended. He points out that he made a vow to protect all the Earps forever, and he made that vow the moment he laid eyes on Wynonna. FEELZ, you guys. FEELZ. You break the seal, he says, he starts to die. And she says, “only as much as us.” But is that really the case? Maybe he has a lot of years piled up on him that will age him instantaneously…yikes. That’s a gamble!

Wynonna then says that he doesn’t want to be one of “us” (mortal and aging) because he thinks he’s better than them. And then a creepy noise in the background makes her jerk her head around to look. She doesn’t see anything, but we know what the fuck it is. Creepy girl/doll from creepy painting sneaking around.

Doc is pissed that Wynonna is asking him to give up the ring. Wynonna points out that he had a chance to get out of the well if he gave up the ring and he didn’t. She tells him who gave him the chance — Robert/Bobo — and then she says he was selfish then and he’s selfish now (Dolls pointed that out in the ghost posse episode…). Doc says, “you are one to talk” and he decides to leave.

Before we deal with their continued angst, can we just take a moment to appreciate Wynonna in an apron?

Wynonna freakin’ Stewart, y’all…

Back to the angst. Doc demands Wynonna give him the keys to the truck, since she drove him there. She goes to her coat, but…no keys. So Doc decides to walk back to Purgatory because “it is far less painful than being here with you.” OH, OUCH. And feelz I have so many feelz on Doc’s behalf right now.

Cut over to the widow-stead where Beth is…doing weird magic rhymes. She’s taken Mercedes’ rings of location — those rings Mercedes uses to determine where things are on that map — and she’s trying to figure out where “the traitor” is. Which begs the question — where is Mercedes? Is SHE the traitor? And how did this apparent rift between the widows come about? Anyway, Beth comments that her “sister-wife” is pretty much done. So…was the crispy body Mercedes? We shall see. But wait. Maybe it wasn’t Mercedes because Beth shouts, “I’m headed out! Try and get your beauty sleep. You certainly need it.”

Questions. I have so many questions. Are the actual Mercedes and Beth bodies (the horrifically maimed bodies with no faces) still around? And how are they linked to the widows? And who’s the traitor? Tucker? Hmmm…

We fling on over to Shorty’s basement where Dolls and Jeremy are having another look at the second seal, to see if maybe they missed something. LOL Jeremy points out that Doc likes to play with fire, too, and calls him a “flameballer.” OMG I can’t…anyway, Jeremy also says he’s been working on a vapor guard to protect from the venom the widows spray. Dolls looks through Rosita’s journal. Hmmm. He wants Jeremy to replicate a formula in there, apparently, so I’m thinking Dolls doesn’t fully trust Rosita. And he even says that Rosita isn’t what Jeremy thinks she is. Jeremy starts to leave, feeling uncomfortable about using another scientist’s journal and formula. He starts going up the stairs and gets a splinter in his hand, but upon closer examination, IT’S A FINGERNAIL, YOU GUYS. A BIG one. A WIDOW NAIL. And Jeremy remembers that Beth had a bandage on her finger…Dolls realizes they’ve ID’ed widow number one.

Back at the Earpstead, Dolls and Wy are basically playing chicken. Wy keeps trying to put herself physically between him and the door. People do stupid shit when they’re having angst with each other, I just realized. Anyway, we get some Doc backstory. Doc notes that Constance chose that well for a particular reason, because Doc has issues with enclosed spaces. His mother died of TB when he was 14, and he would crawl under the house to be under her bedroom because he wasn’t allowed to be near her while she was sick. And he would listen to her cry and beg and just be sick and she died and he tells Wynonna after that, he never could stand tight quarters. It makes Wynonna weepy and she asks for her name. Doc’s mom’s name was Alice.

They’re having a really sweet moment when all of a sudden, there’s a noise from somewhere in the house, like running footsteps or something rolling and Wynonna tells Doc not to shoot any of her decorative pillows because she’ll never find the right color combo again and I’m almost crying with laughter…and for good measure, she adds, “you repeat this convo you die.” lolol

Doc goes up the stairs to check it out and Wy looks like she’s going back into the kitchen.

Cut back to the hot tub/spa scene where we find Waves saying that Rosita has three Ph.Ds. Rosita points out it’s actually two, with an online certification in astrology (laughing).

WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION. How old is Rosita REALLY? Because STEM Ph.D.s take a while, friends. A looooong while. And she has two. So at this point, I’m wondering what the deal really is with Rosita, that maybe she’s not even human…

And then Waves says her family must be pretty proud and Rosita says “they aren’t around anymore. It’s okay.” They’re not around because they probably died of freaking old age which means Rosita really is not completely human. Anyway, Waves gets more text messages apparently from Nicole and Rosita implores her to respond and that she’s seeing a lot of “sorrys” in the messages and Waves is all, “no.” Rosita asks what was in the papers and Waves says basically info that demonstrates her whole life has been a lie, and that the people who cared about her are thus liars. Rosita’s comment: “Wow. There it is. Backbone.”

And Waves grabs her phone and responds with a shitty text to Nicole (though I get it) along the lines of “dear control freak I’ll talk to you when I’m good and ready until then have a nice life” and Rosita is trying to dissuade her from sending it but Waves does and Rosita says, “a little too much backbone.” Then she says it’s going to be okay and Waves starts freaking out about the mean text and says that Nicole was right to hide the papers and she never should have looked at them. Then she says she messed it up and that everything was perfect. Rosita says, “perfect is overrated. If everything was perfect, champagne wouldn’t have bubbles.” And then she launches into a scientific explanation about bubbles in champagne. Basically, bubbles are made up of carbon dioxide rising from nucleation points, which are small defects in the glass that trap the tiny vibrating pockets of carbon dioxide. So, Rosita says, “no defect, no bubbles, no magic.”

And shit, guys. Here it is. The weak moment:

OH NOEZ.

Waysita? Roverly? Not feelin’ that. But I do totally get it.

Okay, before y’all freak out and yell at Andras (which was happening last night on the Twitterz…c’mon, y’all. Be nice about your displeasure) and stomp off never to watch Wynonna Earp again and claim that it’s another type of bashing a F/F relationship to include a “cheating” trope, let’s all have a think about this. Who among you has NOT done something regrettable in a highly fraught emotional moment? Even if it didn’t involve kissing someone you shouldn’t have (or maybe even doing the deed with someone you shouldn’t have), I’m pretty sure nobody among us can claim they’ve never done something stupid/regrettable, whether in an emotional state (including alcohol) or not. And if you’re young enough to climb up on your pedestal and claim that no, you have never done something you regret (really? Never treated your parents/friends/siblings badly? Or said something really hurtful to someone?), guess what? You WILL eventually do something stupid and/or regrettable. And it may involve kissing someone you shouldn’t or possibly more than that.

And we don’t even know if WayHaught had THE TALK, do we? The exclusivity talk? I mean, we can assume so (and I’ll own it if I missed that talk) and Nicole told Waves she loved her, but we don’t know the full parameters of their relationship. And we also know that Waves has been through a HELL of a lot the past few days and that Nicole and she are really on the rocks, so I’m thinking we can chalk this moment up to SHIT IT’S A MISTAKE OMG I’M SO SORRY. And indeed, we see that both Rosita and Waves realize it’s a mistake really quickly. Rosita gets out of the tub, saying she’s going to go get changed and IT IS SO DAMN AWKWARD…and Waves is looking pretty horrified at what she did, so I’m gonna chalk it up to stupid and regrettable thing that happened.

I do hope, however, that she comes clean with Nicole about it if WayHaught continues but right now, I’m not seeing it continuing and we may not see them back together until next season if at all. Which is sad, but there it is.

Okay, so moving along. The next scene is Waves walking into what appears to be a hotel room at the spa apologizing to Rosita AND HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS LOOK!

It’s Tucker the Evil Fucker! And he’s frostbitten on his nose and ears, which makes him look like those goofy dog filters you use on Snapchat or Instagram. “You were burned to death,” Waverly says. “I saw your body.” And Tucker says, “I’m the reason people shouldn’t pick up hitchhikers.”

OMG. The body was a random person! Which still makes me wonder how he got his bracelet back to put it on the body, but whatever, let’s get back to this super-tense scene. Rosita’s looking pretty dead. Tucker says he’s here to save Waverly and she’s all, “from her?” meaning Rosita but NO, Tucker says he’s here to save her from those bitches he calls his sisters. Which begs yet another question: is he merely being crazy serial killer Tucker and just assuming that the widows are dangerous to everyone, or does he know something is special about Waverly and the widows are specifically interested in it? HMMMMM.

Cut over to the Wid-stead. It’s dark and Dolls is checking it out. Jeremy’s in the vehicle. Dolls is gonna break and enter even though a fingernail isn’t probable cause. Then he says (via the comm to Jeremy) that Wynonna knew something was up with the sisters and he should’ve listened. Meanwhile, Jeremy is putting bullets into a magazine while sitting in the car. And he talks more when he’s nervous. Dolls tells him to stay put and to stop talking, which only makes him more nervous, so Dolls pulls his earpiece out and opens the door to the Wid-stead basement (it’s on the outside of the house). He’s about to go down there.

Back at the spa, Tucker covers Rosita with a blanket cuz she’s apparently dead. And I’m really bummed about this because I was intrigued about what her secrets are. So I’m really hating on Tucker even more right now. “She’s in a better place,” he says and I just threw up in my mouth a little. “You’re shaking,” he tells Waves, putting his hands on her and she’s all, “you killed my friend” and he says, “she wasn’t your friend. She was trying to corrupt you and you were letting her. I saw her kiss you.”

OMG I CAN’T I JUST CAN’T. This guy is a total trigger and I hope viewers are okay because we all know there are dudes like this guy out there and they do and say these things. Kudos to actor Caleb Ellsworth-Clark, who portrays him, because he really captured the horrible-ness of this character.

“Don’t lie to me, Waverly,” he says. “You and me we’re good people. The others, they want to change us.” OH, ICK ICK ICK “and make us their puppets.” omg…

“Please let me go,” Waves says and Tucker has his gross hands on her shoulder and he’s rubbing her shoulder and he says, “Why in the world would I do that?” OMG OMG OMG

Cut back to the Earpstead. Doc is coming down the stairs. He says he didn’t find anything, but he swears someone is in the house and Wynonna says she found Peacemaker in the pocket of his coat and basically she’s accusing him of doing it, but we know it’s the creepy painting girl/doll/whatever the fuck that was. And oh, shit. Doc brings up her hormonal state. Bad call, Doc. Wynonna then pulls curse rank on him. Because she’s the heir the curse, anything that has to do with the curse — including his ring — is hers. And he’s all, “bring it,” basically, “Come and get it.” And we hear what might be a creepy little laugh and the camera cuts to THIS delightful thing sitting on top of a wardrobe against the wall:

Dolls like this and clowns are my total horror nightmares.

And of course some of the commercials during the live-watching of the show were trailers of the super creepy movie coming out about the possessed doll Annabelle. UGH.

Back at the spa, Waves is desperately trying to figure out how to get out of this situation with Tucker. Looks like Nicole was right about this one, huh, Waves? Yikes. Tucker is pacing around talking about how Mercedes and Beth were always suffocating him and then one day they gave him freedom. Then he goes into how he used to think that Waverly was too good for him but now he sees how “alike” they are, “two lost souls…”

OMG MY SKIN IS CRAWLING

And then Waves is all, “you said you found your family,” and he interrupts her and says, “I said I FELT I found my family. You have to listen. We’ll work on that.” Oh, Jesus. That has to be super-triggering for some people to see that because this character is chilling. Waves tries another tack, that Mercedes and Beth will be happy that he’s not dead and she’d like to be there when he tells them and he’s all, “it’s not going to happen” and as he’s describing what REALLY happened to his sisters, we’re actually with Dolls going into the basement of the Wid-stead. Good voiceover technique. So as Tucker is describing how inhuman creatures took their place, Dolls is staring at one of the women without a face crawling around on the basement floor, making those horrible little mewling noises.

OMG OMG OMG I tried to get a good screenshot, but maybe it’s for the best that I didn’t. Skinless bloodied, faceless. Tucker is describing that “one of his sisters” is still hanging on but what’s a girl to do without a face and then he laughs. OMG And we’re seeing Dolls’ horrified reaction to this, too, because he’s in the basement seeing this poor woman crawling around omg…

Waverly asks him why he would fake his death if the new sisters were better and he says that it was all lies and then omg he touches her hair and I’m so grossed out and freaking out again. “You wouldn’t use me like that, would you?” He asks and of course she says never, and then he says he’s going to get her out of there.

Back at the Win-stead, Dolls has been trapped in the basement. He tells the surviving faceless woman that he’s going to get her out of there (Oh, Dolls. I’m pretty sure she’s a lost cause) and he puts on some night vision glasses and sees the stairs that’ll take him up into the house.

We cut back to Tucker and Waves, and he’s trying to convince her that they don’t need anybody else and she’s of course playing along and asks if she can call Wynonna and tell her not to come looking for her. He thinks that’s clever. “One call.”

Oh, gawd. I hate this so much…

eeeeewwwwwwww

Back at the Win-stead, Dolls is in a confrontation with…Mercedes! So in that tense moment, we fling over to the Earpstead, back to the tension there, and Wynonna is just ripping into Doc, saying she saw how cruel he was and Doc wonders if she hates him and she says sometimes she thinks she does and then, OMG she draws Peacemaker ON DOC, YOU GUYS!

But look what’s standing behind her!!!!! AND THEY DON’T SEEM TO REALIZE IT.

YIKES! Totally uninvited guest!

And it’s got Wynonna’s phone! Waverly is calling, but Wynonna and Doc are fighting. We cut back to Waves and Tucker and Waverly says, “voicemail,” and she leaves a message, saying that things with Nicole are tense and she’s going to “skip town” and do some soul-searching. She ends with “I love you,” and holy shit, that’s gonna set off warning bells, we hope, if Wy gets that message. So Tucker takes her phone when she’s done and says “let’s go” and Waves asks if they can stop at her jeep to get some clothes and he says he can buy her some, including “modest skirts” because “her hemline’s been creeping up over the years.”

JEEZIZ FUCKING GAWD HE’S BEEN STALKING HER FOR YEARS I CAN’T

Fortunately, ROSITA IS BACK! She smashes a wine bottle over his head!

But WHY is Rosita alive????

BECAUSE…

“Funny thing about being a Revenant,” Rosita says. “It’s way hard to get dead.”

OMG OMG OMG OMG

ROSIE THE REVENANT I CAN’T

Cut back to the Win-stead where Mercedes is hunting Dolls. Dolls pulls the ol’ dragon-eyes in the mirror trick and Mercedes crashes into the mirror but recovers sort of quickly and does a venom blast but Jeremy puts himself between her and Dolls and takes the blast with his new venom-block mask. Which totally doesn’t work, y’all. Mercedes disappears, Jeremy is paralyzed, and we…

go back to the Earpstead where Wynonna has drawn Peacemaker on Doc. Wynonna says that if she doesn’t break the seal, the widows will find it, break it, and kill Doc anyway. FINE, he says, and takes the ring off and throws it but creepy doll-thing behind them catches it!

And then they suddenly realize that yes, they have a creepy doll-thing in the house with them. So I’m going to assume that their fighting and not noticing this is because of bad painting mojo infecting them. Wynonna’s response: “somebody’s a little over-dressed for dinner. Sorry. We already have a Dolls.” omg laughing. Doc immediately shoots it, but it doesn’t seem to do much so Wynonna puts it down with Peacemaker. The ring rolls across the floor and Doc says to Wynonna, “you’re right. Demonic forces are drawn to the seal.” And then they basically have a moment of apologizing to each other. Doc says it was the doll that make him say them aloud and Wynonna says, “was it?” Wynonna points out that this whole thing is about something bigger than them. Doc: “The demon Clootie.” Wynonna, “Our baby.”

Oh, you guyz. THE FEELS.

OUR baby!!!

She says she won’t break the seal until after the baby’s born. They need a plan, she says, and then when she breaks the seal, she will do it with Doc by her side. FEEEEEEELZ.

And how about THIS metaphorical tableau, in which Doc GOES DOWN ON HIS KNEE and picks up the ring and wants to know if she swears to do that:

FEEEEEELZ

And then that shitty-ass painting bursts into flames. HA! SUCK IT, PAINTING!

Cut back to the mountain. Tucker is wandering around screaming for Waverly. GAWD I hate this guy. So much. Beth shows up and tells him it’s time to come home. She’s in her widow garb. He falls to his knees and she hugs him. “You truly love that girl, don’t you,” she says.

AND THEN! TUCKER SAYS THIS: “She’s my angel.”

YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT PHRASE AGAIN, USED ABOUT WAVERLY!!!!!!!!!

Beth agrees, and says that there IS something about her. Something special. And it’s too special for an abomination like Tucker. She venomizes him and he falls backward and Beth starts feeding on him. She starts with his arm, so I’m totally not certain this is it for Tucker because the guy keeps showing up. But I do appreciate his fate, at the hands of a woman.

Cut over to another outdoor scene. Mercedes is lighting a bunch of candles and she has Constance’s burned-up head. It’s also clear that something is very wrong with Mercedes. She’s shaking and there’s a cut along her jawline. Looks like Peacemaker has drained her power. She says that Beth has abandoned her and her craft has faded. Or IS it Constance’s burned up head? I’m assuming it is, but Mercedes is talking about binding herself eternally to “her king” (Clootie?) and she needs to throw the damn rings on the map again so she puts a lock of her hair on the burned-up skull and cuts herself, offering blood. She asks to find Constance’s seal and the rings show her something and then she says that “the deed shall be done. It is the law.” Which strikes me as odd with regard to just finding the seal and retrieving it. What law? The law to break the seal? Hmmm…things to ponder.

Back at Shorty’s, Rosie the Revenant is pissed that somebody was in her stuff. I’m thinking she realizes that Dolls was in her journal. Waves is there at Shorty’s, too.

And why hasn’t Waves tried to contact Wynonna again? I mean, Rosita bashed Tucker in the head so Waves could have gotten her phone back.

Anyway, Rosita pours them both a drink and Waverly wants to toast her for saving her life and Rosita asks if Waves will give her a head start before she tells Wynonna that she’s a Revenant and Waverly says she’s not going to tell Wynonna because then she’d have to tell her about herself, which means she may have to tell her that she may be half-Revenant. Rosita asks if Nicole knows and Waves remembers the shitty text she sent and Rosita tells her she needs to go make it right with Nicole, and offers a bit about her backstory: she didn’t make it right with a guy and took up with his friend instead who was on Wyatt’s shitlist. So it seems Rosita was Revenant-ed because the dude she was with got shot by Peacemaker and I’m going to assume that Rosita was, too, and ended up being collateral damage like Robert was.

Nicole will open the door for Waverly, Rosita says, “no matter what time.” So now I’m really liking Rosita because I know her secret and she’s trying to make sure that WayHaught gets it back together.

And now, you guys…we cut over to what is apparently Nicole’s house. Somebody knocks on the door and we’re all, “YAY! WAVERLY IS GOING TO MAKE THIS RIGHT!” and Nicole starts to open it and she says “Waves?” all happy like…

BUT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK NO IT IS NOT WAVES

OMG SHE IS NOT HERE TO BORROW A CUP OF SUGAR

Which begs the question — why did the magic rings pinpoint Nicole’s house? SHIT. I mean, I’m assuming that’s what happened, but why Nicole’s? Unless it’s linked to Waverly…

And that’s where things ended! The trailer for next week looks so messed up, you guys. The tagline? “Imagine you are forced to choose saving your sister or your true love. Welcome to your life, Waverly Earp.”

OH, SHIT.

So there you go. That was an utterly crazed episode of angst, stress, reveals, weak moments, and super-scary as everybody is getting drawn into the shit. Whew. Next week is probably going to ratchet this up even more!

PSA: I would like to remind people that Earpdom (and ideally, fandom in general) is about respect for each other and each other’s opinions, whether you agree or not. I know the whole Waverly/Rosita thing has some people pissed off, but it is not okay to attack your fellow fans or the show’s crew or cast and/or harass them. If a kiss between Waves and Rosita was a dealbreaker for you, okay. Stop watching the show. But don’t attack fellow fans or the show’s crew or cast. Voice your opinion (strongly, perhaps), but be respectful and don’t engage in gratuitous attacks. Cuz that ain’t right, y’all. And leads to bad juju.

All right! See ya next week!

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