Hey, everybody. I’m running a bit late on this recap. The world is a giant steaming bucket of hellfuck, and I think you all know whereof I speak. But Earpers unite, dammit, and let’s do some good in the world with the time we’ve got.
On that note, let’s ponder this last episode, which managed to beat 2.09 in over-the-toppery. Pretty sure the last two episodes of the season will manage to top this one and each other, so just be aware that things are going to get even more cray.
And, as always,
SPOILERS. OMG STOP READING THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE EPISODE AND YOU PLAN TO BECAUSE HOLY CRAP THERE IS EVERY SPOILER YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE HEREIN.
Things to ponder in this episode:
1. Why would the rings send Mercedes to Nicole’s house? We find out in this episode that she went “too early” which makes me wonder what is up with these rings, that they also operate on a time scale, meaning that they’ll send you somewhere even before what you need to happen has actually happened at the location.
2. When Mercedes venom-blasted Waves in Nicole’s house, did Waves really dodge it? Or did it not have an effect? The camera angles were confusing. This could probably be irrelevant and I just didn’t catch what happened.
3. Why the hell does Waverly announce to Wy that Rosita is a Revenant? I mean, REALLY? After she told Rosita she wouldn’t! I mean, I get the whole stress of the moment when she told her, but…not feeling that at all. Doesn’t seem consistent with Waves’ protective nature.
4. Stevie the Revenant wants to get into the basement of Shorty’s. HMMMMM. Why? What specifically is he after?
5. Where the hell is Bobo? Man, we sure could’ve used him in a throwdown against the Widows. THAT would’ve been fun…
6. Dolls’ backstory regarding BBD. The head Nachoboy points out in one scene that BBD “took” Dolls. As a child? Or what? Interesting.
8. Greta, the Blacksmith’s twin sister. She pulled a fast one this episode, and totally set Waverly up to take a huge fall. So is she in with the Widows? Or is there, like, a demon info forum where they go to see who’s looking for what on the market? Because it sure seemed to me that that she may have known that her spell would take Waves to the seal…
9. Greta’s spell/curse has altered everything it seems, which makes for interesting questions about the AU we’re left with at the end of the episode. Since Greta’s spell made Wynonna disappear — as if she had never existed in the first place, it seems — does that mean there’s no curse? That Willa’s alive? That their father never got shot? That Constance Clootie is still alive? That the Blacksmith is also still alive?
10. Speaking of AUs, with what happened, will Mattie come back? Hmm.
All these questions!
So last week, we were left with the Widow Mercedes on Nicole’s doorstep, Waves kissed Rosita in an emotionally weak moment (it didn’t go any further), Tucker tried to nab Waves but Rosita saved her, revealing her Revenant self, and Wynonna convinces Doc to give her his ring, which is the third seal. Wynonna plans to use it to lure the Clootie demon out into the open at some point to send him back to hell. Oh, and Widow Beth may actually have offed Tucker and I hate to say it, but I rooted for her last week.
This week picks up exactly where we left off:
Nicole looking at Widow Mercedes and saying, “God, your face” because it’s true, Mercedes is starting to deteriorate, probably from the Peacemaker shot she incurred a few episodes ago. She barges into Nicole’s house demanding that she give her the third seal but Nicole has no idea what she’s talking about. So like any quickly deteriorating witchy demon would do, Mercedes immediately resorts to a throw-down and overpowers Nicole and pins her to the floor. But then, OMG YOU GUYS WAVERLY SHOWS UP and gives us the iconic line from Aliens, “Get away from her you bitch!” and breaks a wooden staff over her knee to arm up with two sticks and you guys, she gets some great hits in on Mercedes in an awesome fight scene but Mercedes flings Waves onto the coffee table then tries to venomize her.
But that raises an interesting point. Did Waves dodge the venom? The camera angle was confusing. OR, more intriguing, did the venom not have an effect on her OR even MORE intriguing, does Waves have some kind of power that kicks in during times of high stress and she was able to block the blast? Or, more likely, was the camera angle just fucked up and I couldn’t tell what happened? Inquiring minds! Because this could possibly relate to Waverly’s true origins. Most likely, I just couldn’t tell from the camera angle.
Nicole, meanwhile, is trying to get to her gun but Mercedes gets ready to mess with Waves and Nicole stops going for her gun and, like, parkours over her couch and jumps on Mercedes’ back and this is when something VERY BAD happens.
Mercedes bites Nicole’s arm. Hard.
And somehow, her blood tells Mercedes things, like, “you’re telling the truth. You don’t have it.” Meaning the third seal. So Mercedes is confused about why this happened, why the rings told her to go to Nicole’s house for the seal and she bails before Waves has a chance to get Nicole’s gun and shoot Mercedes. But Waves realizes that Nicole is very badly hurt, and that the widow’s bite is very, very bad. She holds Nicole, telling her “please don’t die; stay with me” as she calls for help. And Nicole’s arm is really bleeding and she’s looking pretty damn woozy.
So already, friends, we’re off and running and I already have feelz all over the damn place.
Cut to the hospital, where Wynonna and Nedley come in and of course, the audience is thinking that they’re there because Waves called them, but NO, they’re there because the real Mercedes without a face is there (and suddenly the Billy Idol tune “Eyes Without a Face” just popped into my head). Anyway, Wynonna appears to be asking Nedley to do something for her, but we don’t know what that is. He tells her to “kill ’em hard, Wynonna. The town’s had a enough of this shit.” And goes off to the bathroom while Wy ducks into a hospital room where there’s a woman all bandaged up (her whole head). Wynonna addresses her as Mercedes, so we know who barely survived the Widstead basement. Dolls then comes in and he and Wy have a brief convo about the shittiness of the widows and what they did to Mercedes and Beth and then he goes off to find a snack (licorice, if you must know.)
And then Wy hears Waves’ voice calling for help and she bolts out of Mercedes’ room with her preggers self and sees Waves with emergency medical personnel wheeling Nicole in and Waves is saying she’s not breathing omg and the med personnel are scrambling and…
(can I just take a moment to appreciate Nicole’s kicks? Nice choice in Pumas.)
Anyway…
OMG YOU GUYS DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS WOMAN????
Even Waves is all, WTF? Mattie? (The Blacksmith from S1) But the woman’s name is Greta and Waves immediately figures her for Mattie’s sister. The med team takes Nicole away and Wy is right there, with, “hey, I’m here. Tell me everything” and Waves collapses into her arms. Next, they’re still in the hospital and Waves is telling Wynonna and Dolls what happened. Wy is trying to get Waves to calm down and Waves announces that she cheated on Nicole, that she kissed Rosita. Dolls’ face, you guys, at this:
Wy is all, “okay, one kiss is not — Rosita?” And then Waves does something bad, and tells Wynonna that Rosita is a Revenant. After she told Rosita that she wouldn’t. This gives me angst, you guys. Wy gives Dolls a look and he’s all, “later…” with Wy and then asks why Mercedes attacked Nicole. Waves says that she thought Nicole had the third seal. Wy says nobody will find it ever and Waves is all, “YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS?” And Wynonna says that basically, she’s the only one and that way nobody gets hurt and Waves points out that Nicole got hurt. Which is a legit point.
Uh-oh. I see this as a potential rift here, between Waves and Wy. Keep your eye on that, y’all…
But then Waves thinks that Nicole was bitten because of her, and she starts taking on all the blame and Nicole saved her during the Mercedes attack and she gets all emotional and I’m having feelz watching it again and dammit, Waves, WTF with all this terrible! Waves steps out of the hospital to get some air. Dolls takes Wy aside, back into Mercedes’ (the real, faceless one) room. He notes that Nicole might only have 2-3 hours because of the venom that widows expel. Juan Carlo experienced the same thing before he died, and it was horrible. Wynonna is hellbent (see what I did there) on finding some kind of anti-venom.
We go outside the hospital where Waves is distraught and the shitty Widow Beth shows up. Beth tells Waverly that if Waves finds out where the third seal is and brings it to her, she (Beth) will cure Nicole. Waves pulls a gun on her (Nicole’s gun!) but Beth points out human guns have no effect on her. Waves says she would never betray Wynonna and Beth says, “then you’d better get to pickin’ out a casket…about yay high.” and she holds her hand up for Nicole’s height.
I hate Beth again, you guys. She did us all a favor chomping Tucker down, but now she’s right back on my shit list.
So anyway, here is the (hor)crux of the problem. In order to save Nicole, Beth is offering Waves a deal. Find the third seal and bring it to her. Beth knows that Wy knows where it is. She is asking Waves to betray Wy (and Doc, by extension).
That is a shit deal all around.
Waves goes back into the hospital and Dolls sees her and says Wy’s looking for her. He notices that she’s shaking and asks if she’s okay and she says she’s cold.
We interrupt this recap to bring you an ANDI MUSING!
And right there, friends, Waves made a big mistake. She should have told both Dolls and Wy about what Beth said and what she wanted. Instead, Waves maintained radio silence on that. As a viewer, I don’t get that. But I’m also a little concerned about Waverly, who in the past has been really open and honest with Wynonna about a lot and that started going south when she got her DNA results back. So she hasn’t come clean on that, what’s another omission, right? Pretty soon you’re riding an avalanche of omissions down Lie Mountain.
Anyway, I’m thinking if Wynonna knew that the seal was the only way to save Nicole, she probably would’ve done it or they would’ve set a trap or something. After all, Waves doesn’t know that the third seal is Doc’s ring, so the only skin in the game she has right now is saving Nicole and knowing the seal releases Clootie. Wynonna could have pointed out what the seal is, and what it means to Doc, which then infinitely ups the stakes in the plot and they all could’ve tried to figure out how to go about baiting a trap.
Instead, Waverly does exactly what pissed her off about Nicole. She doesn’t tell her loved ones about Beth’s offer and things get infinitely more horrible down the line in this episode.
Obvi, people and characters are fallible. That’s why we love ’em. But I couldn’t figure out why Waves wouldn’t tell Dolls and Wy about Beth, but she totally drops a bomb on Rosita and tells Wy about her Revenant status. This didn’t sit well with me, but we’ll see how it unfolds in later episodes.
We now return you to our regularly scheduled recap:
Dolls says docs want to induce a coma in Nicole to slow the venom’s movement through her system, but Nicole won’t go under until she sees Waves.
CRYING! FEELZ!
We jump over to Nicole’s hospital room where she’s in a bad way, friends. Sweating and writhing in pain. Wynonna is there and Nicole tells Wy to do something for her, and we know what’s coming and I’m practically sobbing. She tells Wy that if this gets bad, she doesn’t want to be kept alive by a machine and Waves will never let her go, so she asks Wy to do it for her and — hold on…need a tissue — and Wy says she can’t do that and Nicole says she knows she can and that Wy is the only one Waves will forgive for doing it.
So Wy promises she’ll do the unplugging if it comes to that. Omg you guys…
And then…*grabs another box of tissues*…Waverly comes in and Nicole apologizes for lying and she says she thought it was the right thing and Waves is telling her no, no I’ll be here when you wake up and we’ll have a big ol’ sorry party. I’ll make hats and Nicole says that if things go wrong, she’s never loved anyone the way she loves Waverly —
OMG I CAN’T
The doc gives her a sedative/something for the pain and omg Waves kisses her. I CANNOT RIGHT NOW…
Dammit. Cut to the hospital waiting room, a little later on. Jeremy, Dolls, and Wynonna are trying to figure out what kind of venom it might be. Waves is there and omg, awkward Jeremy’s comments. He’s not trying to be mean, y’all. He’s just…Jeremy. Awkward. So they determine they need to find more venom to run tests on it and they need a test subject. Waves immediately volunteers (BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES) and Jeremy points out she’s human, and the cure could be worse than the poison.
Waves gets emotional at one point and accidentally bumps Jeremy’s coffee mug (which apparently he takes everywhere?) and it falls on the floor and breaks and that’s HER breaking point. She gets really upset about breaking Optimug Prime (seriously) and Jeremy is all, “no, don’t worry, it’s okay.” Wy tries to calm Waves down and Waves asks her if the third seal is worth all this — again making me wonder why the hell she just doesn’t tell Wynonna about shitty Beth and her shittier offer (because we know even if Waves gets the seal to her, Beth’s probably going to double-cross her anyway).
Wy is adamant about keeping the third seal under wraps and she tells Waves Nicole is not dying today, and asks her to trust her. So the plan is, Dolls is going to go to the Nachoboys (Juan Carlo’s volunteer fire dept./demonhunters) to get Juan Carlo’s body, which is full of widow poison and they can use that to develop a cure. Jeremy will go back to the Nedley Central lab to start working on…well, Jeremy things related to the poison things. Meanwhile, Wynonna is going to round up a test subject. She tells Waves to stay at the hospital and keep them posted on Nicole’s status and because Mercedes is wounded, they’ll be able to track her. Waves wants to know who “we” is that’ll be doing this tracking and Wy says, “It pains me to say this, but Doc could find a dildo in a nunnery.”
And I am now laughing my ass off. Thank you, Wynonna and writers.
Wy looks at Jeremy and says, “You want venom? When we find her, I am gonna milk that bitch like a snake.” Omg. Laughing and fist-pumping.
We cut over to Shorty’s where Doc is playing poker with three other dudes, including Stevie, who is a Revenant. The other 2 guys leave, and Stevie wants to go into the basement of Shorty’s. Which begs the question, WHY? Doc doesn’t let him, because of course not. The only Revenant allowed down there is Rosita, dammit. Stevie used to work at Shorty’s, for Bobo. Doc offers a challenge game. High card draw. If Doc wins, Stevie tells him what’s so interesting in the basement. If Doc loses, he gives a bottle of booze to Stevie. Then Wy busts in with her, “it smells like Doritos and feet in here!” omg laughing again. Stevie flings out of there because it’s Wynonna and she draws Peacemaker, which lights up as he races past her to the door and Doc tells her basically to chill out, that the bar’s closed and it was a private game.
Wy is pissed that he was playing with our mortal enemies and Doc holds up his hand and wiggles his bare fingers, “well, ONE of us is mortal.” OH, snap. Wynonna tells him to quit pouting. He retorts that if she expects him to confront “murderous demon brides,” he’ll have to sleep the bottle off first. Wynonna snaps back, “Nicole is dying. They bit her.” And Doc immediately gets up and says, lead the way.” I LOVE YOU DOC! She tells him to go get ready and she’ll get him some coffee. Rosita appears and smiles at her and Wy gives her kind of a fakey fakey smile.
I have a bad feeling about this sitch with Waves telling Wy about Rosita…
Back at the hospital, Waves is outside again and damn, that shitty Beth shows up. She asks if Waves got the seal yet and Waves says she’s working on it and Beth makes a weird comment that her (Waves’) family is already in hell. Huh. Must ponder that. Beth leaves after teasing Waves with a vial of red stuff that is supposed to be the antidote for Nicole, I guess, then leaves. Waves is about to go after her but Nedley appears and asks Waves if she has the key to Nicole’s so he can go pick up that “mongrel cat” that he just got a new scratching post for. I love Nedley. He gives Waves a hug. MOAR FEELZ.
He says that Nicole is the strongest deputy he’s ever had, trying to give Waves a little pep talk. And then he says that he knows that she and Nicole are…well, YOU know, but he had to call Nicole’s next-of-kin. Waves says: “but she doesn’t speak to her parents.” And he says, “neither did I” AND OMG WE’RE ALL WONDERING NOW WHO IS THE NEXT-OF-KIN WTF IS IT A SISTER OR BROTHER OR SOMETHING and Waves goes back to Nicole’s room and runs into
SHAE. A doctor.
Who is…
you guys…
NICOLE’S WIFE.
And we all had that expression on our faces.
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK, ANDRAS?
OMG!
I AM SCREAMING I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
[…]
[…]
HER WIFE????????????
The entire Earp fandom right now:
And now we leave this beyond awkward moment and jump over to the Nachoboys (that Order group of Juan Carlo’s) out in the woods in their robe cosplay where they’re all standing around a big ash pile of Juan Carlo. Dolls stares at it and is all, shit. Because that was going to be their venom source. And the Nachoboys burned the other three widow victims. OH NOEZ. Head Nachoboy then offers to be the guardian of Wy’s baby. They’d take the baby in. Dolls is all, “you let US handle that.” I love how Dolls is such a dad. Head Nachoboy drops a little line of dialogue in there about how BBD took Dolls. He compared BBD to a cult. So…Dolls was “taken” by BBD. Huh. As a child? Interesting…this may come up in later episodes. Let’s keep that in mind.
Head Nachoboy says that they can’t beat the Widows, but Dolls and Co. might be able to with the right weapon. So he goes to the firetruck (which they drove out there in their robe cosplay? That must’ve been a sight) and takes out a metal attaché case. Pretty sure that’s the plate case, you guys. With that damn plate in it from Edwin Earp. HMMMM. Dolls takes it and leaves.
Back at the hospital, Waves is sitting at Nicole’s bedside talking to Nicole even though she’s comatose. “Why didn’t you tell me,” she says, and then Shae comes in with two coffees (okay, this Shae seems legit and a nice person, so clearly we need to know WTF NICOLE) and then Waves asks how Shae and Nicole met and Shae tells her it was while rock-climbing near Vegas. Shae says, “Brittany live and a big win at the slot machines’ll do that to you. We got married in a fever.” But then things cooled off, she says, and then Nicole starts to writhe in pain and she’s partially awake and a doc comes in and oh, this is convenient that Shae is a doctor because the hospital doc wants to give Nicole something for the pain and Shae tells him which one to use and Waves realizes she doesn’t know what Nicole’s drug allergies or sensitivities are and she gets this stricken look but Shae steps in smoothly and says she knows this, basically, because Nicole had a rock-climbing accident and had to have surgery, which ruined their honeymoon.
But Waves is all emotional again and leaves and I AM CRYING AGAIN DAMMIT.
Back at Shorty’s, Rosita serves up a cup of coffee for Doc to Wynonna. And then Wynonna puts Peacemaker on the bar and of course it lights up because Rosie the Revenant. Rosita says, “I trust Doc. It must’ve been Dolls.” And Wy says it was Waverly. And you guys, my heart is breaking for Rosita when she gets this news. Rosita asks if Waverly had mentioned that she (Rosita) had saved Waves’ life from Tucker but Wynonna is being totally bitchy to her. Doc comes down the stairs and Wynonna hands him the keys to the truck clearly because she wants to buy more time with Rosita. Doc gives Rosita a really nice kiss and leaves and Wy actually looks uncomfortable with her Revenant-hunting self. GOOD. Because I now like Rosita, so it’s BS that Wynonna wants to send her back to hell. UGH.
Rosita asks if she should pack her bags and leave now or if Wynonna’s just going to shoot her there and Wynonna tells her no, rather, she’d like Rosita to get over to BBD at Nedley Central because Jeremy needs to test the anti-venom and they need someone who won’t die. After that, after Nicole lives, then she’ll put Rosita down last and then she tries to make it better (HOW THE THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE SOMEONE’S DEATH SENTENCE BETTER, WYNONNA?) by saying she even likes Rosita, but Nicole needs us. “Yeah, I know,” Rosita says. “So you don’t have to threaten me. All you have to do is ask.” Which makes Wynonna really uncomfortable and she leaves.
Why is she uncomfortable? Because she’s being forced to deal with some of the ramifications of Wyatt’s curse. Not all the people who he Revenanted are bad or did bad things. They were collateral damage, like Rosita. And what, exactly, did she even do to warrant Wy shooting her and sending her back to hell? She hooked up with a guy who was on Wyatt’s shit list.
Deep questions here, friends. Deep.
Back at the hospital, Waves is standing in the hallway crying. Dolls shows up and says he was on his way back to the office but he wanted to stop by and check on her. And Waves really needs a hug.
I so love Dolls when he’s being all nurturing. I LOVE YOU, DOLLS.
And then Waves fibs YET AGAIN. Dolls sees Shae and asks who it is and Waves doesn’t tell him the whole truth. She says, “it’s just another doctor.” Not completely false that time, but definitely not the whole truth. She changes the subject and asks how things went with Juan Carlo and Dolls, too, hedges — it just occurred to me, people. We tell a lot of fibs and white lies to protect the ones we love, don’t we? — and says that he got “somethin'” but he doesn’t tell her what. Which, again, isn’t a LIE, per se, but he definitely was not able to get the venom out of Juan Carlo, which he doesn’t tell Waves. He’s about to head out and Waves asks to go with him.
Jump over to the lab at Nedley Central where Jeremy is working. Rosita comes in and he’s stoked thinking she’s going to help him with the formula and she’s all, no, I’m wanted for my body, actually.
(P.S. you’re welcome.)
“I’m your guinea pig,” she says and Jeremy is of course appropriately horrified. And it appears he knew she was a Revenant, too. He tries to stop her. “You’re not strictly like us,” he says, “but you’re ONE of us!”
omg family family family I can’t I love this fucked up awesome family they’ve all created
I AM CRYING AGAIN.
Anyway, Rosita doesn’t let Jeremy talk her out of it and she jabs the anti-venom IV needle into her arm and says that “some of us don’t have a choice” and Jeremy gets this expression on his face, like puzzled and outraged all at the same time. I LOVE YOU JEREMY, because it’s clear he is not pleased about Rosita maybe being treated badly.
Over at Nicole’s house, Doc and Wynonna are checking out the scene. Doc notices that Nicole and Waverly gave Mercedes a hell of a fight. And then Doc and Wy have a talk about Rosita. Because Doc, being Doc, OF COURSE noticed that Peacemaker was on the bar and Wynonna snarks back that he’s been keeping a “well-endowed supernatural secret” from her. Doc assumes Rosita is now being used as a guinea pig in the anti-venom trials and he points out that she can still feel pain but Wy returns with “they all can.” Which is a legit point, even though I’m still pissed at Wy for wanting to send Rosita back to hell. Then they notice fresh blood drops on the floor. Too fresh to have come from Nicole. A weird noise draws them to the closet (I had a gay joke here, but moving along) but it’s Nicole’s kitty, Calamity Jane.
They realize that something is up with Nedley, who was going to come and get CJ. Doc notices a hat on Nicole’s hat rack and it’s too big for Nicole. So Nedley did come by, but what happened to him? They’re pretty sure Mercedes has him! OH NOEZ! NOT NEDLEY! Mercedes showed up TOO EARLY, and Wy points out that Waverly had said that Mercedes was mumbling about being in the right place, but the wrong time.
Which raises the question — WTF with these rings? They can also monitor TIME? Like, when something’s GOING to happen? Let us ponder that for future episodes.
Then we go to a barn somewhere and OMG Mercedes has Nedley tied to a chair and she’s trying to make him tell her where the seal is. The rest of us are all, “wtf? Why would Nedley have the seal?” Unless you remember Wy talking to Nedley in that second scene in the hospital about something…
But you guys, Nedley. Can we just take a moment of appreciation for Nedley during the time Mercedes smacked him around? Like, for example:
Oh, yeah?
I LOVE YOU, NEDLEY!
Damn. Lotta love going on in this recap…
Mercedes demands that he tell her where the seal is and omg, you guys. Nedley’s response:
“We got no seals here. We got elk. We got pronghorn. We’ve got plenty of loons…” LOLOLOLOLOLOL
And Mercedes is looking pretty rough. Like…I dunno. Fresh Walking Dead rough. Sickly yellowish. She says she can keep him alive for a weeks in the most glorious pain and then she backhands him and Nedley says…
Which begs the question…HOW would you know, Nedley, how kinky Mercedes is? LOL Lotta loose talk at Shorty’s, perhaps? Or…?
Now we’re back at Nedley Central where Rosita is asking, “would it have killed you to add a little morphine to the mixture?” Jeremy says they’re getting close when Waves bursts in with Dolls and tells him to stop and Jeremy says that it’s not him, that Rosie insisted because Wynonna insisted but he is not okay with this and it’s total bullshit and instead, it makes him feel like horfing. <–actual Jeremy verb
Waves is upset and says that this is not who we are (THANK YOU) and Dolls notes that it’s the only way they have to save Nicole but Waves says it’s not and she takes that needle out of Rosita’s arm. YAY! Then Waves comes clean and says that Beth-face Widow (omg why didn’t I think of that) offered her a shitty deal, to give her the third seal to save Nicole.
So Dolls asks what if she gave the seal to Beth? Then they could leverage their way into killing Clootie. Waves said she couldn’t do that to Wynonna and Dolls says she could say that he ordered her to do it. She says she doesn’t even know where the seal is and Dolls then…omg…he takes off his coat. HE’S going to go guinea pig for the anti-venom since he’s not entirely human anymore his own self.
Waves is going to go see Nicole and she tells Dolls that she’ll never forget this and she gives him a kiss and you guys, I AM CRYING AGAIN I HATE YOU ANDRAS WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY DAMMIT I LOVE YOU TOO SHIT
And as Waves leaves, we hear Dolls screaming in pain from the anti-venom. Dammit.
Back in the barn, Mercedes is still working on Nedley. He asks her what she is. “A witch? A Pokémon?” omg staaaaahp Nedley
“You think this is my first demon rodeo? You know we had an actual demon rodeo?” he pushes.
BAM as Mercedes wallops him again. “TELL MEEEEEE!”
Nedley: “Y’know, lady, this is a day at the beach compared to Wynonna Earp on my case for eternity over any beans I spill.”
But that Nedley, you guys! He’s being super sneaky. Interspersing his snark with questions. “So Tucker was just a toadie?” And when Mercedes says when her lord and master/husband rises, they’ll sacrifice Nedley at the altar of his tomb. Nedley says that “the only altar this boy bows to is a bar stool on hockey Saturday. Where’s yours?”
AH-HA! LOOKIT NEDLEY! GETTING CLUES! He knows that whoever’s in Mercedes, she ain’t quite right because of the Peacemaker injury, so he figures he might be able to get some info. And sure enough, she answers, “In the house of my enemy, in a place of worship, and you will lead me to the seal that opens it.”
And then I think she just either cut one of Nedley’s fingers off or used her scary metal nails to slice one of them open. Not sure yet! NEDLEY!
OMG I have to take a break…jeeziz…
Okay. Back at the hospital, Shae and Waves are in Nicole’s room and Shae is saying that the iron count in her blood is too high and that her organs are shutting down WTF ANDRAS WTF Waves is sure there’s something else (besides the deal with Widow Beth). And then we have this moment:
What the hell with these feelz…omg…
And then Shae says this:
Can we take a moment to ponder that? Because Shae says that the next time Nicole wakes up, she (Shae) was told she should say her goodbyes and that’s when Waves leaves and we just know she’s going to make a very, very bad deal but dammit, we totally get why. Because even Shae, Nicole’s wife/ex-wife? said that Nicole really loves her. That’s currency in the love bank, y’all.
But here’s a twist. Different deal, different agent. Waves goes and finds Greta. Remember her? The Blacksmith’s sister (I really liked the Blacksmith and I was way sad when she didn’t make it). Turns out Greta is an Iron Witch (she was Mattie’s twin, after all) and Waves is thinking maybe she can somehow get the iron out of Nicole’s blood.
Waves tells her Nicole was bitten by a woman who levitates and steals faces. Greta recognizes that, from a story her great-grandmother used to tell her. Two twisted spider sisters who would attack pretty girls and eat them whole except for their faces, which they wore to lure family members. Does she have a damn anti-venom? Greta thinks that yes, she can get one.
NOTE what she says: “I can get you one.” She doesn’t say, “Yes, I HAVE one.” She says she can GET one.
And her price will be steep.
Oh, shit, you guys. OH SHIT. And it’s BINDING. She will get whatever she wants. OH, SHIT.
Waverly agrees. And she didn’t read the terms or find out the specifics. Uh-oh.
And then Greta does some kind of spell…it’s interesting. The spell is in German. “Where is the answer…for this life.” HMMMM. She writes it down and gives Waverly the paper, saying she’ll find a cure for what ails her love in here. Waves looks at the paper and says, “is this a joke?”
At this point, I’m wondering what Greta’s deal is.
Cut to Nedley Central. Waves is looking around, using the paper Greta gave her as a guide. She goes to Nedley’s office and picks up the mug on his desk and dumps it out and out falls Doc’s ring. As an aside, Nedley’s mug says “DAD” on it. What’s the deal with his home life? Kids? Anyway, Waves knows Doc doesn’t ever take his ring off, but then she thinks further and remembers that the widows wear rings, too, and she gets this look of OH SHIT on her face because this is the third seal.
ANDI MUSING:
And I’m wondering, too, if she realizes that in a way, she’s been had. Not sure Greta totally set her up, but it’s possible, right? That Greta knows the Widows want the third seal and she may know that Beth tried to make a deal with Waves. So by directing Waves to the seal, she has basically set Waverly up to cure Nicole, but also to betray Wynonna. Keep that in mind.
Back to our recap:
Cut to Doc and Wynonna in the forest. Doc is loading his pistol with Double Tap ammo, y’all. In case you wondered. Wy says they have to speed it up because Dolls is doing the testing now and Doc demonstrates his mad tracking skills which makes Wynonna swoon a little: “If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear you were trying to get me pregnant again.”
Doc’s response: “My tracking skills are quite virile.”
You guys, even I, a Lady of TEH GHEY, can appreciate that Doc is a sexy mo-fo. Let us all take a moment to appreciate it.
Okay, there’s a big ol’ abandoned barn nearby, but they’re gonna check it out. Doc wants to take the lead, given that Wy has a traveler on board and all and Wy promises she’ll stay in the driver’s seat.
Cut to the barn where Mercedes is getting really fed up with Nedley. WHERE IS THE SEAL she shrieks and he looks at her and says, “have you tried up your own ass?”
Nedley. Seriously. You are the dude.
Mercedes REALLY loses her shit then and shrieks that Wynonna is not coming for him, because all she cares about is herself and THEN
Swear, this needs some damn cartoon sounds. CRASH! POW! BOOM!
SUCK IT!
Oh, yeah. Good thing for Mercedes she had that giant bustle on her booty. It might’ve eased the blow a little. Doc comes out of the back of the truck and shoots the hell out of her (but they’re not supernatural bullets, so they just slow Mercedes down. “That was for Ms. Haught,” Doc says and Mercedes chuckles, all evil, “is she dead yet?” Then Doc walks up to her and says, “This is for Waverly,” and backhands her with his pistol. OH, YEAH. Meanwhile, Wynonna gets out of the truck and stalks over. “No one tortures the sheriff but ME,” and then she punches Mercedes right in the face. BOOM! Again! BAM! Another one! POW! Now for the knee to the face! CRUNCH! And Mercedes falls backward. Wynonna draws Peacemaker and it lights up but Mercedes says that guns can’t kill her.
“Who says I’m gonna kill you?” Wynonna shoots her in the…not sure. Knee? Stomach? Somewhere. Then she has Doc tie her up and goes to untie Nedley. He says he never broke and then says he put the seal in his coffee cup because everybody knows not to touch Randy Nedley’s mug. LOL Wy needs it back. And, he says, “I think I need to go to the hospital.”
How much do we love Nedley right now? Damn. And it doesn’t appear that Mercedes actually removed his finger(s), so there’s that.
We hop on over to Nedley Central and Wynonna comes in with Doc. HA HA they’ve totally Silence-of-the Lambed Mercedes, you guys!
They’ve tied her to a dolly with her mouth taped and she’s pretty much immobilized. Wynonna asks where Rosita and Dolls are and Jeremy, still really pissed about having to use them at all, makes a snarky comment and Doc said that the blame can be sorted out later. Wynonna says they’ll talk about it later and Jeremy says, “oh, yeah. We will talk about it, Wynonna.” Damn. I like affronted Jeremy.
And then Wynonna (not Jeremy) uses a needle the size of gawd to extract venom from Mercedes’ mouth glands.
Cut to the hospital. Wy is SO happy because she has the anti-venom! She’s practically skipping down the hall to Nicole’s room. And there’s Nicole sitting up all fine n’ healed with Waves. Wynonna is so stoked to see her. “Hot damn you made it!” And she gives her a hug.
But oh, look at Waves, y’all. That is the face of someone who has done something really, really bad and feels even worse about it. Wy wants to know how this happened and Nicole says that nobody knows, she woke up and felt completely fine and then…
Wynonna looks at Waverly and she knows right away. Oh, shit, she knows. She says she told her to wait. She said she’d find a cure. “What did you do?” she asks and Waverly bolts.
We then go outside somewhere with Widow Beth, who has Doc’s ring. She walks over to a burned-down building — YOU GUYS! Pretty sure it’s the church where Wynonna had her vision quest! And remember what Mercedes said to Nedley about where her altar was? That’s where Clootie will come from.
The next scene is Waverly at Shorty’s, sitting and looking totally dejected. And who should come in but Greta. MMM HMMM. She is definitely not at all like her sister. Waves realizes that Greta basically pulled a fast one on her and Wynonna will never forgive her. And Greta points out that she said she could POINT Waves to the anti-venom, not that she HAD it. She never said she HAD it. Waves tells Greta it was a dirty trick, and now for a quick PSA: read all the terms of a contract, friends, before you sign.
Then we see Wynonna storming into Nedley Central where Dolls is working on a laptop. And she is PISSED and says that it’s all going down, that the Widows have the third seal. Dolls’ comment: “She found it.” Which makes Wynonna realize that Dolls knew something about this.
But see, he didn’t really KNOW know. He doesn’t know that Waves made a deal with an Iron Witch who pulled a fast one.
Back to Shorty’s, Greta has her eyes on the prize. It’s the damn hockey trophy with burlap-maggot demon guy trapped inside from earlier this season. Waves says no, not that thing. But Greta wants it. And Waves says, you make a wish on that thing, you’ll regret it in ten years but Greta is aware of the cost. She holds it and starts saying things in German.
QUICK back to Nedley Central where Dolls is trying to talk Wynonna down, saying she would’ve done the same thing but no, she insists she wouldn’t have, that she would have trusted her people to find the cure. So Dolls says they’ll get ready to fight. Wynonna says Peacemaker can’t put the Widows (these bitches) down. But Dolls has Nachoman’s suitcase, you guys!
Cut back to Shorty’s — this is quicktime pacing here, friends — and Doc comes in saying he got a frantic text message from Wynonna saying that she’d (Waverly) run off and then he sees Greta chanting in German to the trophy (you guys, any other context outside Wynonna Earp and that would sound totally fucking loony) and he thinks it’s Mattie, the Blacksmith. Her sister, Waverly says. Greta. She helped me with something. Doc picks up a couple of words that Greta says, like “disappear.” “Why is she jabbering in German?” he asks. Then we hear “Wynonna Earp” and Doc demands that she let go of the trophy.
Cut over to Nedley Central where Dolls is showing Wynonna Edwin’s plate (another one of those WTF are you talking about statements outside Wynonna Earp). He hands her the plate and she kind of looks at it and asks what kind of metal it is.
Back to Shorty’s, you guys! Doc tells Greta to let go of the trophy and Waves tries to stop the deal. Doc reaches for Greta and HOLY SHIT HE DISAPPEARS IN A FLASH OF LIGHT! DOC IS GONE! “What did you do?” Waves demands. Greta: “Sorry about Holliday. Chalk it up to collateral damage.” Then she says that the two Earp girls got her sister killed, and this is the punishment: one will disappear and the other will have to live with it. And she takes the trophy and leaves. NO NO, Waves says, frantic. UNDO IT! But Greta leaves and Waverly’s all, “Wynonna!”
And we fling back to Nedley Central where Wynonna says, “I know what we have to do–” AND FREAKING DISAPPEARS! The plate falls onto Dolls’ desk and he kind of stands there and says, “what the…” and puts the plate back in the case and sits down and starts working again, like nothing happened. AND, in case you didn’t notice, HIS CLOTHES ARE DIFFERENT than before Wynonna disappeared. He had an orange shirt on throughout this episode and then suddenly he’s in a denim-ish shirt.
Back at Shorty’s, Waves is all, “Doc! DOC!” And then she screams, “WYNONNAAAA” and omg you guys my heart is in my throat and my chest is all tight and the horribleness of that scream and all the fear and pain in it…OMG OMG OMG. And then suddenly Jeremy bursts in and asks if she’s okay and her outfit is slightly different, too. She’s now wearing a Shorty’s shirt, like she used to wear when she worked there. And she catches herself and she’s, like…fine. She looks at Jeremy and asks him if he just heard shrieking. Yeah, he says, “from your moth, silly. Who’s Wynonna?” And Waverly is all, “I have no idea.” And then she tells him, “hey! C’mon! We’ve got a wedding to plan!”
Which makes us wonder — because it’s clear that everything is “off,” now — who exactly is getting married? Should we assume Waves? And if that’s the case, to whom? Jeremy (maybe he’s not gay in this AU) seems the most likely candidate, given how Waves took his hands. Or maybe Champ? Nicole? Champ squicks me out but there it is. Or it could be somebody else in town because remember, everything’s off.
omg. Tucker. OH GOD PLEASE NO, ANDRAS. I WILL TAKE CHAMP OVER TUCKER. PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT TO US.
Cut to…DOC BACK IN THE WELL!!!!!!
HOLY SHIT WTF OMG I CAN’T I’M SCREAMING WHAT IS HAPPENING
Okay. Okay. Let’s now do some theorizing.
Here’s where I’m at with this. Wynonna and Doc disappeared. In Wynonna’s case, as in never freaking existed in Purgatory. And if you saw “It’s a Wonderful Life,” you know that one person actually can make a huge difference in the space-time continuum in terms of how things evolve in a community. So now we’re in an alternate universe Wynonna Earp without the Wynonna.
My next thought: it seems that Greta’s curse didn’t actually work the way she wanted it to. She said that one Earp sister will disappear and the other will have to “live with it.” Clearly, that’s Wynonna disappearing, leaving Waverly to “live with it.” But clearly, she isn’t living with it because there is no Wynonna in her consciousness. Wynonna never existed for her in this alt-universe, so…
DUMB CURSE, GRETA! Here you are, living with your sister’s terrible demise and you’re all, “ha ha, I’ll make the Earp sisters go through the same thing!” but Waverly doesn’t even know who Wynonna is. So…she’s not living with the loss of Wynonna at all. In this AU, she’s never had her around.
Doc, meanwhile, as collateral damage in this stupid curse, was sent back to the well. I wonder why he gets a reset like that — meaning he still exists, and apparently he still exists in this AU, albeit at the bottom of a well. And where is Wynonna? Is she in another universe or is she…just gone?
And what is the extent of Greta’s curse? Is there an Earp curse in this AU? Or is Waverly the heir? OR is Willa now the heir? Is she back? Hell, is Waves’ dad still alive, since Wynonna never existed to shoot him? And since Waverly appears to be back to working at Shorty’s, who owns it? Is it her aunt again? Or is it Bobo, and in this AU, Bobo — Robert Svane — is her family?
Questions. All these questions.
Also, there seem to be some people on the interwebz pissed about Waverly “betraying” Wynonna.
Here’s the thing.
Greta swindled her. Waverly committed to the deal with Greta before she knew the exact terms. And you heard Greta. A deal with an Iron Witch is BINDING. So Waves took the deal THEN Greta performed her magic and gave Waverly the answer to the cure for Nicole. Which in this case was the third seal (I’m thinking Greta is in with the Widows somehow). If Waverly had the terms of the deal beforehand, I don’t think she would’ve taken that deal because she wouldn’t want to betray Wynonna. But even if she did, Dolls pointed out to Wynonna that she herself probably would have done the same thing. I’m leaning toward Waves being reckless with an Iron Witch and agreeing to a deal without knowing what Greta’s terms were or what exactly getting the antidote would require. And if you think about it, Beth actually did hold up her end of the bargain because Nicole was cured. Interesting, given that Beth is so shitty.
So no, I do not think that Waverly willingly sold Wynonna out. She got taken for a ride, as we see when Greta comes to Shorty’s for the trophy.
And now we have to figure out WTF with this AU without Wynonna and everything slightly shifted.
Damn. Just…damn.
Anyway. Two more episodes in this season, y’all. I have a feeling the finale is going to require lots of whiskey, doughnuts, and therapy.
‘Til next time!
Andi Marquette 