Quit yer bitchin’ (cuz the undead don’t care)

Hello, darlings!

Saturday and I felt like doing some more zombie apocalypse survival tips. In kind of a roundabout way.

I have this list. On it are the names of people I definitely do not ever want to be around in event of a zombie apocalypse (or any other kind of major freak-out). It doesn’t include, say, political people or celebrities because chances are, in an event like that, I won’t be anywhere near Tom Cruise or Kate Beckinsale or the president. Chances are, I’ll be having to pick my allies (or not) from the nearest neighbors, especially if I’m not near any close friends or family members.

So this list has the names of people I actually know who I do not want anywhere near me should serious s*** go down.

There are certain things I look for in allies:

1. doesn’t talk much
Not because I’m antisocial and don’t care what you have to say. But it’s important that you’re capable of keeping quiet for long stretches of time in event of a zombie apocalypse because THEY CAN HEAR YOU. The more comfortable you are with your own silence and that of others, the better I like your company.

2. has acquired appropriate clothing and might have some gear or is in the process of doing so
I understand. Maybe the apocalypse caught you off-guard and you didn’t have a chance to lose the evening gown and stilettos. Okay. So first things first, you need more appropriate clothing. Here’s one of my handy blogs to help you with that. If you have no idea what appropriate clothing is in a zombie apocalypse, and you show up wanting me and mine to take care of your evening gown self, I’m sorry. Not gonna happen. Good luck to you, though.

3. doesn’t try to be the boss of me
I get it. In some situations, we need to designate a leader. That’s fine. I’m talking about the person who constantly tells people how to do things, what to do, and why he/she should be the boss. These people are dangerous, because they sow dissent with their narcissism and misguided arrogance. There are no doubt going to be personality clashes among the living in a zombie apocalypse (zombies don’t give a rat’s ass about personalities anymore). Don’t make it worse by being a know-it-all (and anyway, see number 1 above). If you’re a Navy SEAL, then yes, I will defer to your knowledge. Most SEALs I know, however, are confident in their abilities and don’t go around telling people what to do unless it’s agreed upon that they’re the boss for whatever ventures we’re conducting.

4. doesn’t complain
See number 1. Granted, this is an unprecedented and completely scary situation. A zombie apocalypse is certainly something worth complaining about. If you feel the need to do that, please choose an appropriate time. Like, when we’re in a reasonably safe place and planning out another strategy. Make it quick, make it amusing, make it cathartic. We all think it sucks, after all, to be in a zombie apocalypse. We are all under intense stress and some days, we just want to bitch and moan and kick things and yell and scream. But we can’t, because of number 1, above. But we also understand that there is value and therapeutic benefit in a bitch or destruction session. Witness this scene from Zombieland, which demonstrates how this could be helpful:

There. Feel better? I certainly do. Now move on.

5. has common sense
This one’s a toughie, because everybody thinks they’re brimming with common sense. I myself have demonstrated a lack in that department many times. I’ll own that. However, in a zombie apocalypse, I’m talking about rationale, logic, and things that make sense within the new context. If you’re the kind of person who is sent out by a group of survivors to go to a pharmacy for supplies and you come back loaded down with bags of gummy bears instead of antibiotics and bandages, I’m going to think you’re a bit lacking in the common sense category.

6. is reasonably healthy, both psychologically and physically
Again, this one’s a toughie. Some people might turn out to be complete freaks after a week in the ZA. Others might turn out to be even better in the ZA. Still others might lose all sense of basic humanity and go feral. You don’t know for sure. That’s why you have to be very careful about picking your allies. In terms of health, remember that you will not have access to all the things that feed whatever vices you have. So maybe work on getting those under control. You will not have access to doctors, or medical supplies, or even decent food. You will need to learn how to deal with severe stress, injuries, and whatever else the ZA throws at you. You need to know your limits, and know yourself. And I strongly recommend that you start taking better care of yourself now.

7. is capable of negotiating drama
See number 1, above. Maybe the less said, the better. Surviving a ZA is beyond stressful. If you’re working with allies, remember that everyone is under stress. Drama will ensue. It’s important to talk those things out, when in an appropriately safe place, and make sure everyone knows where you’re coming from. Learn to let things roll off your back. Don’t let drama build up in your head. There’s no room for that. You have to survive.

8. doesn’t steal from allies
Again, that’s a toughie. After all, you have to survive and no doubt you’ll have to steal at some point. Here’s my deal. If you’re the type of person who would steal someone blind prior to the ZA, or use devious and manipulative means to acquire things, chances are you’re on my list of people not to be around in a ZA. Why? Because I can’t trust you, and I’d rather take my chances alone than with someone who would just as soon take my weapons and leave me for dead as make a stand with a group. You don’t know how long you’re going to be with your allies. Why piss people off with that bad behavior? I recommend you find a group of allies that is okay with stealing and manipulation and ride out the ZA with them.

9. knows his or her own strengths and weaknesses
And lets people know what they are. Communicate (when it’s safe to do so) that you’re an awesome shot, and you were in the military. I’ll try to get you outfitted with the type of guns appropriate for that. Let me know if you’re good with wiring. Cool. Can you get this shortwave radio running? Not very good at hunting? Okay, we’ll get somebody else to handle that. Don’t say you’re good at something if you’re not. Lives depend on you.

10. is willing to learn
Every new skill you pick up in the ZA could save your life. So if you’re with allies who have skills you don’t in, say, hunting or carpentry of something, ask them to teach you a few things (in an appropriate setting, of course).

Whew. And I know. I’m probably on somebody’s “please don’t let me get stuck with these people during a zombie apocalypse” list. That’s okay. But remember, you don’t have to like someone to have a decent ZA ally. Be pragmatic, and plan accordingly!

Happy survival!